


Road to Nowhere [DISCONTINUED]

by noodlerdoodler



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abusive Relationships, F/F, Highschool AU, Homophobia, Humanstuck, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-07
Updated: 2015-06-14
Packaged: 2018-03-16 19:37:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3500381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noodlerdoodler/pseuds/noodlerdoodler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We all have our issues- some just hide them better than others.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Not anymore, Sunshine.

**Author's Note:**

> Karkat struggles to come to terms with his sexuality, Dave lives in fear of somebody finding about his true gender, John's deafness makes him feel lonely and Equius has low self-esteem. Chapters alternate between characters. Just another depressing fic. As usual, I only own plot.

Your name is Karkat Vantas and you always sit in the same seat: third row back from the front so you can pretend like you're paying attention, next to the window so you can laugh at the idiots on the track team running laps first thing in the morning outside in the freezing cold. But today, a cruel twist of fate has lost you your seat. You overslept this morning and were already running late, when your fuckass of an older brother decided it was appropriate to lecture you on the importance of being on time- Kankri's such a pain in the ass. You could have pushed him down the stairs he stopped you on. You were only rescued when there was a knock on the door and surprise, surprise, it was Cronus- your brother's stalker- here to pick Kankri up for school. Against his wishes,of course. You weren't offered a ride, which was fine because if you had been offered said ride and you'd accepted, you would have been stuck in the back of a posh car with Eridan Ampora and nobody deserves that fate. Basically, you were stuck walking like every day. Whatever. 

Anyway, you ran late this morning and walked in half way through homeroom only to find to your absolute horror that your seat had been taken by some douche with a mop of blonde hair and shades covering his face. His feet were resting on your desk- your motherfucking desk was being ruined by his goddamn cheap converse knock-offs. You could have shit out a mile long rage snake just at the sight of him. You stormed over to that goddamn hipster and dragged your desk away from his feet. Or you would've. If John hadn't leapt in front of you right before your hands could grab the fucking desk, grinning like an idiot at you.   
"Hey Karkat!" He signed at you- the bastard was death and he'd steadily drilled sign language into your head over the years. This seemed to alert the desk-stealer of your presence because he suddenly tiled his head upwards to look at the confrontation happening practically on top of your desk. 

Yes, you were still leaning forward to reach for the desk and John was leaning towards you to greet you and you had ended up fully entangled in each other. The pair of you were almost lying on top of the desk. Your thigh was brushing against his, you realised, and your face flushed a dark shade of red instantly. You took what must have been seven steps back. You did not get that intimate with anyone- especially not guys. Because you were straighter than a fucking ramp and the least gay person you had ever met and you certainly did not crush on guys and you would never even think about anyone in that way. Especially not guys. Because you were straight.   
"John, move aside. I'm trying to get this asshat out of my seat." You growled at him, your fists clenching and unclenching at your sides.   
"Hey, don't be so mean!" John signed, almost too fast for you to keep up, straight to the defence, "Dave's new here and I don't think he'd appreciate you pushing him out of his seat."  
"It's my seat!" You yelled, in rage, ready to Hulk the fuck out and start flipping every goddamn desk in the room.   
"Not anymore, Sunshine." Dave smirked up at you and you wanted to tear his face off and wear it as a mask as you danced around a campfire that his body was roasting on. 

That was when your homeroom teacher arrived, even later than you, and told the three of you to break it up and gave you a week's worth of detention for trying to force the new kid out of your seat and then arguing about it with her afterwards. John and Dave got away without a metaphorical scratch, much to your annoyance, and then homeroom ended and you had to get your ass to Art sharpish. You nearly got there too but you were shoved over in the middle of the hallway by your residential bully. You landed on your face and you heard a crack as your nose began to run.   
"That's what you get, Vantas!" Equius said, before continuing on his way. You went to dab your nose and realised that it was in fact dripping with blood. And that the blood was falling steadily onto your only clean turtleneck and staining the pattern on it red. You shook it off and made a turn, ducking into the bathroom instead of going to Art. 

Equius Zahhak was your bully and your bully alone. Whilst he wasn't particularly pleasant to some of the other students, you were the only one that he picked on regularly and physically, as well as verbally. Being pushed in the hallway was pretty much a regular occurrence for you and you'd got used to it over time. Of course, you had to lie to your dad and brother about where the scars and bruises covering your body had come from. But that wasn't too hard as you were pretty clumsy sometimes. Anyway, you are happy to find the bathroom empty and you manage to clean up your bloody nose somewhat without anyone walking in on you. You flush the blood covered toilet paper away and watch as the blood swirls around in the water. Then, you leave the bathroom and finally head off to Art. You're late to that too and you add another month's worth of detentions to your plate because your art teacher is an asshole. He's not even very good at art. He's pretty shit. 

You, on the other hand, are quite good at art. You find it to be a good way to express your anger at the world and how empty you often feel inside. Where other people might cut or take drugs, you draw swirling worlds of darkness and feelings out on a page. Your sketchbook might be the only thing you're proud of. The only bad thing about art is that you have to sit across from Terezi Pyrope- a blind girl with shockingly red hair and a tendency to eat anything and everything. She's a little chubby. She's very, very weird but kinda nice, you guess. Pretty. Intelligent sometimes. You might go as far as to call her your friend.   
"Did you SEE the new kid yet?" Terezi asks you, as she's dipping her fingers in the paint. She's finger painting what looks like a giant splodge but she's blind so you can cut her some slack. Oh, that's another thing about Terezi. She likes to make puns about her blindness. It's annoying as fuck.   
"Yes. Because unlike you, I have been cursed with sight and able eyes." You reply with an eye roll and she snickers at you, flicking red paint at you. It lands on your wrist.   
"He's that good looking, eh?" She's stopped painting now and is just smirking at you, knowingly.   
"I've told you a million times that I'm straight!" You snap at her and return to your drawing. You are horrified to see that it looks an awful lot like a certain bully you know. You decline from tearing it from your sketchbook but only because it's a pretty good drawing. And it isn't necessarily a picture of Equius, fuck you very much. 

You suffer through the remainder of your lessons without much drama- unless you count Algebra, where Sollux and Eridan had a kind of battle. Sollux hit Eridan over the head with his DS and Eridan tried to strangle Sol with his scarf. It only ended when Feferi intervened- and finally make it to lunch. Unfortunately. You hate lunch because you spend the majority of it alone. Through choice, of course, not just because nobody ever wants to sit on your table in the corner of the cafeteria. You get your lunch and make your way to your table only to find that motherfucking shit, Dave has done it again. He's sitting at your table with the Harley girl, the Lalonde girl and John. Now, you're used to seeing John and Jade fucking around together outside- not literally- but Lalonde is a bit of a loner. Through choice, like you. She normally hangs around in the library and reads book and draws pentagram son the desks. She's not the kind of girl you expect to find having a jolly old time with a pair of nerds and a hipster, on your table nonetheless. You consider forcing them to move but that didn't work out very well earlier so you decided to find somewhere else to eat your lunch. 

Terezi eats with her own friends, outside on the grass where they loll around like idiots, Sollux and Eridan always fuck off to some computers somewhere to have nerdy battles on World of Warcraft or whatever and you literally don't know anyone else well enough to sit with them at lunch. And there are no more empty tables. This is it, you only have one last choice. You take a deep breath and prepare for Kankri's bullshit, as you head towards the table where your older brother always sits with his friends. You know he'll ridicule you for this and so will his friends but it's this or sitting on the floor with the other loners. The loners who aren't loners through choice.  
"Karkat!" Kankri looks up at you in surprise, when you reach his table, "What on earth are you doing here?" He doesn't look embarrassed to be seen with you but you are, especially after he greeted you so loudly. God, how come Kankri has more friends than you?   
"Not so loud, fuckass." You reply, sliding into the seat beside him. He blinks at you in bewilderment.   
"Karkat, what's happened? Are you okay?" You've never heard your brother sound so concerned for you before. You follow his gaze down and realise that you've still got blood on your sweater. 

"I tripped." You say, flushing a little red. Kankri doesn't look satisfied with your answer but let's it go and doesn't even tell you to go away. You continue eating your lunch in silence, ignoring your brother's lecturing to his friends and the way that Cronus keeps trying to flirt with your brother and the sloppy make-outs that Terezi's sister is having with Sollux's brother opposite you. They're basically eating each other's faces and you flinch away in disgust. The girl on your other side- some Japanese transfer student- seems to notice and snickers at you. It is fair to say that it's the crappest lunch you've ever had and it pisses you off further when you look over and see those losers having the time of their lives at your table. Ugh. 

You struggle through the rest of the day, successfully avoiding both Equius and Dave which is a bonus. You don't manage to avoid John, who asks you why you're even more upset than usual and can he help. You pretend that you don't understand his signing but he knows you're lying. Then, instead of heading home with your brother like you do most days, you catch a bus into town to your job. On Monday and Wednesday evenings, you work in a store that sells CDs and DVDs and other generally hipstery stuff. Today is a Monday, which means you'll be working behind a counter for the next six hours and serving irritating teenagers for most of that. You hate teenagers an awful lot considering you are one. But, as much as you hate the actual job, you like working. It distracts you, gives you something to do. It's depressing to think that if you weren't working here today, you'd be at home doing nothing. You'd be lying on your bed, just wondering what it would be like to have a social life. You normally scroll through Facebook and look at what your friends are doing; Sollux is normally gaming, Eridan's normally watching those ridiculous magical girl animes he likes, Terezi's normally drawing something on the wall with chalk. You normally eat to make up for your lack of feelings. 

And you spend day after day wondering why you're all trapped in this shitty lives and why none of you are going anywhere. And why everyone else seems so happy about this. Why are they all so happy that you're all on the road to nowhere?


	2. You're a man, Equius. Act like it.

Your name is Equius Zahhak and you are seriously beginning to question your own insecurity. You see, you've never really been a very confident person. You have always lived in fear of your own strength and hurting people and of other people judging you. Like everyone had judged you that time in elementary, when you'd broken seven pencils in a row and had put yourself in the corner as a punishment. And then, refused to move even when the teacher told you it was fine. And she'd had to call your dad to come and pick you up because you were yelling and smashing the wall with your fists. It took your dad, your older brother, your teacher and the principal to coax you from the corner. In the car, your dad had assured you that there was nothing wrong with being strong. You were just a special kid. You'd never forgotten that day because that was when you got a reputation for being a troublesome kid. 

Years later and you haven't changed a bit; you still get extremely worried and worked up over the tiny little things. But you keep being strong. And now, you only break things intentionally. The same way you had nearly broken that kid's nose earlier today. It gave you a sense of control, you supposed, to break things intentionally. So, you bullied. You guessed that was the reason behind it. You only bullied kids beneath you though, the lowest of the low. Like that Asian nerd and that nervous looking kid and most of all, Karkat Vantas. He was the probably the only one you knew the name of and only because you'd heard that Pyrope girl shrieking it that one time. That one time when you'd grabbed the Vantas kid up by the air and literally flung him down the hallway like he was a bowling ball. That was a while ago and it was the day you met Nepeta; a small dark skinned girl with black hair curling over her shoulders, a cleft lip and a cat hat on her head. She'd had it since she was a baby apparently.  
"My mom says that I'm a cute little kitty!" She was probably the first other kid you'd met that you hadn't been terrified of judging you. She was just so happy and content with what she had, even though she didn't have much. Nepeta liked the little things in life. And she taught you to like them as well.

You'd met her that day when you'd wiped the floor with Karkat. She had come up to you, hands on her hips, and a haughty expression on her face. You'd looked up from your project- the project you'd been working on for years but you were making very slow progress with.  
"I saw what you did with that kid earlier!" The cat girl snapped, "That wasn't cool."  
"He deserved it." You reached for your screwdriver but she got there first, snatching it away. So, that's how she wanted to play.  
"That was Karkat Vantas. And he deserves what he gets." That was your philosophy on the matter. See, from what you knew about him, Karkat was a complete-- not very nice. He was rude and sarcastic and angry and very un-respectful to his elders and betters. He deserved to be beaten up.  
"That's not right and you know it!" She leant back holding your screwdriver further away from you, as you reached for it.  
"Give me that back!" Before you could think about it, your hand smashed down on your work table and there was a crack as you dented the surface of it, "Oh, fiddlesticks!" You'd pushed away from your bench and had ran your hands through your hair, feeling very stressed about this whole matter.  
"Oh... Oh! Oh!" The cat girl looked suddenly excited, her eyes shining.  
"What?" You grumble, glancing at the dent in the work table. Man, the school were going to make you replace that. Unless you hid it away somehow (like you normally did when you broke something).  
"You like Karkat!" The girl was grinning. You swatted at her with your arm and she ducked.  
"I don't." You felt like a child and wished you could think of a better argument.  
"Oh, you so do!" She bounced up and down, her hat falling lopsided. Without thinking about it, you bent down and straightened her hat on her head. She grinned up at you still and something just clicked inside you. You had to befriend her. Nepeta was your first real friend and your last. 

She was at your school for about a year and it was the happiest time in your life; she always made you smile some way or another. You spent nearly all your time with her and though she could be tiresome sometimes, you were glad you stuck with her. She helped you stay cool and even convinced you to stop bullying for a while. She didn't like you messing with her friends, especially Karkat. She adored Karkat. Then, one day, she hadn't been at your school anymore. You were told later, by the principal himself no less, that there had been an accident. A horrible accident. A tragic, tragic accident. A house fire in the middle of the night, the fire engines running late. Nepeta was gone, just like that. There was a funeral, of course, and everyone had been crying- you couldn't think of a single person who didn't love Nepeta. You'd sat in the front row and you'd cried for the first real time in your entire life since your mom had left. Nepeta's younger sister had been sitting beside you, staring up at you in surprise the whole time.  
"Nepeta said you were a tough guy." Meulin said, in bemusement. Your hands had clenched into fists, your eyes drying up. Yeah. She was right. You were a tough guy and you didn't cry.  
"You're a man, Equius." Your dad had told you once, "Act like it." The next day, you stalked into school on a mission. You found him where you nearly always found him, slouching around the corridors with no purpose whatsoever. You grabbed him by the front of his shirt and pinned him against the wall. His eyes widened in shock but he didn't say anything. He didn't argue. He just let you beat him around as if he was a punching bag. You left him lying in the corridor, black and blue with bruises. 

Since Nepeta, you hadn't had another friend and you doubted you ever would. Not with the reputation you had. But not a day went by when you didn't think of her. And on days like today, with nothing to do, you would always go for a short walk and just remember. You'd often go and visit the tree where she had insisted on carving your names into the wood. A scratchy E Q U I U S and N E P E T A stayed side by side even after she was gone. You often went to her old house as well, a burnt up ruin. You liked to kick through the rubble and imagine all the times you'd visited her and she'd made you join in on her tea parties. And you'd pick up a chipped piece of china or a burnt scrap of paper and just think: Nepeta wouldn't want me to be sad. But today, you didn't feel like remembering the old. So, instead of trekking across the fields to her old house in the middle of nowhere, you head to the crumbling apartment that you knew her family lived in now. It was right in the middle of the city, Nepeta would have hated it. 

You approached the apartment building slowly, feeling more than a little uncomfortable in this... Rougher part of town. You lived in quite an exclusive area of town and generally frowned down on these... Poor people and their excuses for homes.  
"What the fuck, Kankri?" Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. Though, of course, you do not use such language. But if you did, that's what you would've said. Because you knew that voice, that was his voice. You stopped in the middle of the road, half way across the street. You look at the apartment but not at the fifth floor, which you knew was where the Leijons lived, (they'd always tried to invite you over but you had declined every time. You couldn't look at them without thinking of Nepeta). No, instead, you cast your eyes down to the door that lead to the apartment. There was no way-!  
"Karkat, how many times do I have to tell you to refrain from using such crude language? It is hardly appropriate for a young man of your age." Karkat Vantas was opening the door, flinging it open angrily. He looks angry and tired as always and you have to resist the urge to pick him up and slam him into the ground. But you refrain. 

With Karkat, is an individual that you have never spoken to but you recognise. Kankri Vantas, School President and social justice blogger that wore those ridiculous sweaters. God, you hated him. He was so obnoxious and full of himself, thinking he was better than everyone else.  
"Fuck you." Karkat said. Then, he looks up and he looks directly at you and you inwardly panic. Sweat rolls down your forehead and you can't break your eyes away from his fierce gaze. You realise that you're still frozen and force yourself to take awkward, clumpy steps forward. It's too late to go back now, you can only go forward.  
"Karkat?" Kankri is calling to his brother, as he's already reached the end of the street.  
"Right." Karkat says and he turns away from you, walking away as slowly as possible it seems. You reach the door and glance over at him once last time. You swear that you catch him looking at you. Then, you walk right into the door and you're very grateful indeed that Vantas has already disappeared around the corner. 

In the end, you don't go in and see the Leijons because you back out at the very last minute. As in, you're reaching for the buzzer and then you picture their faces and you just back away, breathing heavily. Instead, you go home and through four plates against the wall, watching them smash with satisfaction. You are rich enough to be able to do this without any serious consequences. And you drink your milk with great difficulty before finally retiring to your room. You do encounter your older brother in the hallway but the extent of your conversation is:  
"Hello Equius."  
"Hello Horuss." Then, you continue past him into your room and he walks the other way, probably to go and look at... Adult movies on his computer. How lewd.

Your bedroom looks like something a first year designer with no experience would come up with when they were told to make a bedroom for a boy your age. There are posters of majestic horses stuck on the walls and weights lying around on every available surface. Scraps of metal and machinery cover the floor and your grand design plans are spread out on your desk. Ah, yes. Your grand design plans to build an actual robot and make it just like a real person. It's based off a girl that you used to know. A girl called... Aradia Megido. Your hands curl into fists and you struggle to control yourself.  
"Aradia..." Your voice sounds pathetic, weak, in this empty room. It echoes back to you in the huge room and makes you feel more alone than ever. You swallow hard and sit down at your desk, picking up one of your snapped pencils to further your design. You can make it perfect, you're sure of it. You must make it perfect. For her, for them. 

You end up resting your head on your desk and thinking about where Aradia and Nepeta are now. In the ground. The only two people you ever really liked. Your emotions curl up inside you like a snake and you know that Vantas is getting hurt tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I know most of this isn't even vaguely canon, (I killed Nepeta in a house fire, wtf), but I'm really happy with how it's turned out so far. Next chapter will be John :)


	3. Fuck me on a broken couch!

Your name is John Egbert and you can't deny that being deaf is a complete and total drag. You've been deaf for a fair few years now and your friend's voices are long ago forgotten. In fact, everyone's voices are dead to you now. It pains you that you can't remember but it's probably for the best. You'd probably get upset if you could remember. Anyway, you've been deaf a long time but it's still a huge problem for you. 

It doesn't seem so bad when you're around your dad, who learnt to sign with you, and is basically an expert by now. It's fine with your friends too: Jade and Rose. Rose, for whatever reason, already had sign language nailed and Jade picks things up pretty darn fast. Even Karkat knew enough to talk to you and curse at you just like always. But your super cool new friend, Dave Strider, knew no sign language at all.  
"He said: do you wanna go get something to eat?" Jade relayed to you and you couldn't help sighing. Communicating through your friends was such a drag. You just wanted to talk to Dave, you just wanted to hear his voice. You bet he has a really nice voice, smooth like peanut butter. You know, the smooth kind of peanut butter. Not the chunky kind. This is a terrible analysis, you've never even eaten peanut butter. 

Anyway, wanting something doesn't mean you'll get it so you just nod and continue down the street with them. It's beginning to get dark. Jade and Rose are chatting and you can see their lips moving but have no clues as to what they're saying. Jade uses her hands a lot when she talks and you zero in on the brightly coloured bands tied around her fingers. "To remember things", apparently. You smile softly. Then, you receive a firm elbow to the ribs.  
"John." Dave mouths and you can recognise your name just fine and you give him a nod to let him know. He's much taller than you so you have to look up to him. 

He's mouthing something at you, exaggerating it in hopes that you'll understand but you don't and just stare at him hopelessly. Your eyes drift to Rose and Jade, who are still blissfully unaware. You wipe your sweating hands on your shirt. You shrug, hoping he'll understand, and keep walking. You look around for something to fix your eyes on and your gaze fixes on Jade, up ahead. She's been your best friend since forever. She wears these huge round glasses with really thick lenses and these cool t-shirts and long skirts that tend to drag along the floor behind her. Her tattered sneakers peek out from underneath. Whenever she talks animatedly like she is with Rose right now, she uses her hands. Sometimes, she starts signing her words without even thinking about it. You catch glimpses of words "garden", "flowers", "spring", "wizards??".  
"Hey there, John!" She signs, grinning at you. Oh, she noticed you staring. You blush and readjust your glasses on the end of your nose.  
"Hi." You sign back, in embarrassment, "Your hair looks good today."  
"Really?" She replies, grinning, "Thanks!" Her hair has been carefully braided into cornrows at the front and threaded with small pink beads. The rest hangs loose around her shoulders in a glossy curtain.  
"Who braided it for you?" You ask, curiously, "Your grandpa?"  
"No." She giggles and shakes her head, "Rose did it for me." The white-haired- obviously dyed because it doesn't match her mocha skin tone- girl is smiling softly now; she's picked up on the conversation.  
"Braiding hair is the only thing my mom ever taught me." Rose tells you, a slightly sad look in her eyes. Her mom is a drunk, drunk lady who's living entirely off family wealth. She engages in psychological warfare with Rose on a daily basis and she always seems to be flirting with your dad. She was very young when she had Rose and never really took good care of her. Yet, somehow, Rose has ended up being the most sensible and intelligent out of all of you. Probably because she's had to care for herself and her mom's drunk ass. 

Looking now, you notice a small braid curling around Rose's ear, catching on the piercings that creep around the edge of her ear. Hm. Your eyes briefly brush over her pink shirt that hangs off the shoulder and stare at her pink bra strap. Nothing. No matter how hard you tried, you couldn't fall in love with her. Or Jade. And you tried so hard. Suddenly, her arm is linked through yours and she's turning you to face the road. Jade's caught hold of your other arm. Dave's watching in amusement and you blush, trying to tell them that you could cross the road on your own but your hands are being tightly gripped. God. They'd been like this ever since the accident and no matter how much you told them to lay off, they insisted on helping you.  
"I don't need help!" You signed furiously at them, once, and they'd both pretended like they didn't understand what you were saying. It really pissed you off when people did that, (it happened a lot). Whenever you said something that Karkat or Rose or Jade didn't like, they just looked at you in puzzlement as if you'd recited the quadratic formula. Though, actually, Rose and Jade both probably knew the quadratic formula. Heck, maybe even Karkat did. You were a smart bunch of people.

As they guide you across the road as if you were blind not deaf, you spot somebody across the street. Speak of the devil. You grin and break one hand free to wave enthusiastically at Karkat. At first, he doesn't seem to spot you waving. Then, he looks up and an expression crosses his face that can only be described as blank. His hair has been brushed over his eyes so you can't see if there's emotion there. You reach the other side of the street and Rose releases you. You just bob up and down, waiting for Karkat to reach you. The dark haired boy seems to walk even slower.  
"Karkat!" You grin at him and you remember the days after the accident, that you had to spend in hospital. Your dad had gotten you a book on sign language and you'd began to learn together right then and there. He'd asked what you'd wanted to learn first.  
"Karkat. Jade. Rose." You'd managed to say, you think. You struggled to talk when you couldn't hear what you were saying. You could only hope the words had come out right. So, the first thing you'd learnt was your friends' names. Some were harder than others.  
"Hi Egbert." A disgruntled Karkat signs back at you, pushing up the sleeves of his hoodie. It was much too big for him and covered his hands. You smiled at him.  
"Hey Karkat! What are you doing here?" You asked.  
"It's Wednesday." He scowled; you give him a look of further confusion and he adds, "I work on a Wednesday." You're still not getting it, "I work at the music store on Mondays and Wednesdays, keep up! Oh my fucking god..."  
"Oh. Wanna come with us to get some food?"  
"What don't you understand about work? I have a job!"  
"I didn't know you had a job!" Jade looked delighted.  
"Fuck me on a broken couch!" Karkat exclaimed. There was a round of laughter. Dave's looking at you in confusion, not in on the joke, and you instantly feel terrible. You were meant to be making him feel welcome but you were completely blanking him. Whoops.

After Karkat slouches off, his head hanging low and his feet dragging along the sidewalk, you turn to Dave. It's hard to read his expression behind those shades of his but you reckon he feels pretty left out. You loop your arm through his and walk with him all the way to the diner, where you and your friends often eat after school. It's probably the only meal Rose eats that she doesn't have to prepare herself- same for Jade. You feel terrible for being the only one in your group with a proper parent. You hope Dave's parents are nice too so you don't feel so bad all the time.  
"What's wrong?" Jade prods you, frowning, and you just shrug at her.  
"How's your grandpa?" You ask for a change of topic.  
"He's great. I just hope he remembered to take his medication today." She smiles back at you.  
"I hope so too." You hold the door of the diner open for her and for Rose. 

A lot of people from your school hang around in this diner and you aren't surprised to see Sollux and Feferi sitting in one of the booths together. A jealous Eridan is lurking nearby, peeking over the top of his menu. You grin. Eridan and Sollux are the ultimate will-they-won't-they couple and they're always entertaining to watch. They're like something out of a shitty anime. To your surprise, Feferi waves your group over with a smile.  
"Hi John." She signs, excitedly. You think you remember that she talks like that too, every word buzzing with excitement. Her smile is always wide and happy, her teeth shining. She has a tongue piercing that flashes in the light as she speaks.  
"Hi Feferi." You sign back, nodding to Sollux. And that's it, you're done. Jade and Feferi strike up a conversation about whatever it is they talk about, and Sollux begins to question Dave. Rose pulls a book out of her bag and flips it open to the page she'd been on. You know that you miss out on a lot more now then when you could hear. But you understand. People can't sign all the time. Except they could. Because you do. Whatever. 

You spend the next twenty minutes pretending to be interested in rearranging the condiments that sit on top of the table. Sollux's feet are resting on the table like a foot away- ha!- from your face and you act disgusted, shoving them off. He lifts them back up, smirking. You push them off again. You go on like this for a while until you glance up and see that Eridan is glaring at you. Right. He didn't like you messing with his "friend". Sollux follows your gaze and scowls. You watch as the two of them proceed to yell at each other and you can read some of the words. Fuck. Shit. Wizard. Fuck you. Your mom. Your dad. Nerd. Then, Sollux headbutts Eridan.  
"How are you, John?" Feferi signs with what you recognise as a soft sigh. Her pink and gold nails tap together as she signs. She's kind of sloppy at signing but you can understand what she's trying to say.  
"I'm fine." You hesitate, "How are you?"  
"My mom's being a nightmare as usual. So's my sister." Feferi pulls a face.  
"Awww, that sucks." You say. Why does nobody have decent parents around here?  
"I'm also super worried about Equius." Feferi adds after a moment.  
"Equius?" That sweaty guy who bullied people, right?  
"Yeah. I live near him and I saw him going out the other day." She explains, "Which isn't a big deal, right? But later, my mom was going to go see Ms Megido so I went with her. And I saw Equius leaving."  
"So, what's the big deal?" You're confused.  
"Equius hates 'poor people'." Feferi shrugs, "I just thought it was weird. He wouldn't talk to me when I confronted him, he just shrugged me off."  
"Okay, that's kinda weird." You agree. But just then, Eridan and Sollux are finally separated by a member of staff. Which is good because Sollux had started biting and Eridan was throwing forks. 

You all get kicked out of the diner and you didn't even get to eat your fries. Sometimes, you really don't like your friends. But you love them the rest of the time, so it's cool. Super cool. But you wish you knew what they were talking about half the time. Maybe then you wouldn't feel so left out.


	4. Get the fuck out of here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, there's like two uses of the word faggot in here and other implied slurs. Just a warning. This chapter went in a really unexpected direction, man. (I can't write Dave very well). There's some shit that I'm gonna explain later.

Your name is Dave Strider and you swear to god, you hate your brother's guts. He was meant to pick you up after school today to take you to the clinic to get your dose of testosterone, which you get every three months. You wished you didn't need to get your hormones and shir from a needle but that's just how your life works now. You're glad for it anyway, even if getting jabs suck dragon balls. But going to the clinic makes you feel like you're finally getting somewhere with your transition, especially when the nurse talks to you about possibly getting top surgery sometime soon. Bottom surgery is going to come much later when you're much older, probably when you're around twenty. Until then, the testosterone is enough to make you feel you're making progress.  
"Steps in the right direction, bro." Bro says. 

Anyway, your brother did not come and pick you up to take you to the clinic. You hung around outside the school- having to brush your friends and their worries off- before realising that he probably wasn't coming. So, you began to trek your way home by yourself, hoping to catch your brother there. You hate the walk home through your horrible neighbourhood. You just try to keep your head down so that the drunks or the teens won't notice you and throw beer cans at your head. It's a really bad neighbourhood. You kick the front door open as the door handle got broken long ago and now the door won't lock properly. Not that it matters, if anyone tried to rob you, you could take them out with your ironically shitty sword. Or your bro's badass katana. He probably wouldn't mind you using it in an emergency.  
"Bro!" You yell, expecting no answer, "What the hell, Bro?" There's a grunt from the couch, where Bro is lying with a packet of Doritos. Your heart jolts coldly, aching in your chest. He's home, and from the looks of things, not at all busy. So, why didn't he pick you up? It was obvious.  
"You forgot, didn't you?" God, one of the only actually important things to you and he forgot about it. You suppose you shouldn't blame him. He was up late last night making puppet porn on the Internet, which is pretty much how the two of you get by. Which you're cool with. Totally.  
"Oh, your rabies shots were today, weren't they?" You smack him with a couch cushion and make your way to your room. It's too late now, the clinic will have assumed you're not coming and will have cancelled your appointments. Fucking great. You shut the door to your room behind you and shove your desk chair under the handle so Bro can't get in. Then, you turn to the full length mirror and inspect yourself carefully. You're still bony, still lacking facial hair, still got kind of girly hips but at least you look like a feminine boy not a girl. You grunt with satisfaction. 

You pull your shirt off over your head, remove your binder carefully, before pulling your shirt back on. You massage the sore line of skin under your chest where the binder has been rubbing and made the skin red and raw. You wear it a little too tight.  
"Just a few more months." You are confident Bro will let you get top surgery as a birthday present. You drag the desk chair back into place and collapse into it, turning on your computer. As usual, you mindlessly browse the Internet, (you avoid clicking on any adverts for plush puppet rumps), nothing to do and nowhere to be. Your friends always seem to be busy with something or another. Besides, you already told them you were busy tonight. You feel your eyes getting heavy behind your shades the longer you stare at the screen. 

And at some point, you must have fallen asleep as you are suddenly jolted awake later at the sounds of something hitting your window. And the sound of laughter outside on the street. God, you hate your neighbourhood. You get up and peek out of the curtains to see that there are kids out on the street again. It's late at night now and they're hurling rocks at your window. You are in no way surprised. You open the window unwisely and take a rock to the face, which smacks your cheek. That's going to leave a mark.  
"What's your problem, Vantas?" You look down at the scowling face of Karkat Vantas, recognisable even in the light of the dim street lamps. You met Karkat Vantas at school and upon returning home, found out he lived in the apartment block opposite yours. He doesn't seem to like you much. He's lurking in the shadows, his body barely visible. You hope he can't see your body properly either. He doesn't even say anything, he just silently continues hurling rocks at your window until he runs out of them. Then, he turns and slouches off down the streets. The kids with him, who you recognise but don't know the names of, follow him. They're yelling and whooping excitedly. Karkat just looked exhausted. You see one of the kids, a taller guy, glance up at your window and nod before following after them.  
"Fuck you too." You mutter and close the window. You fall into bed and sleep uneasily.

You find out the next day that the word FAGGOT has been sprayed in black paint on your building. It's not strange to see graffiti around here but to see it painted beside your bedroom window is a different thing altogether. And such a vile word. It makes you shudder, your skin prickling like a spider was crawling across it. You shrug it off and head to school. You're half way there when you spot something out of the corner of your eye. The gate, the entrance to the city park, stands solemnly staring at you. But what caught your eye isn't the gate itself but the dark red ribbon knotted around one of the bars. You cross the street and take the ribbon in your hands, examining it. It has a word written on it in marker pen, smudged badly from rain. But the ribbon looks new, like it was tied up here today. You shrug and untie it, resolving that you're going to find the owner of it. You shove it in your pocket and offer it no further thought. 

At school, you plan to confront Vantas. But you can't see him anywhere; maybe he's off sick or running late? You don't have time to think about it because you need to turn up fashionably late to homeroom. You'll see him there anyway. Probably. You slide into your seat and offer your best friend a wink which he won't see because of your shades and a hand raised in greeting.  
"Hi... Dave..." John mouths to you, grinning. Poor dude.  
"Sup?" You mouth back, exaggerating it so he can read it, "Where... Is... Karkles?" His eyebrows pull together in confusion. You gesture to Karkat's empty seat and given him a glance of mock confusion. He gets the message.  
"I... Don't... Know..." He tells you with a shrug, "Oh, there he is!" He waves and you spin around to see Karkat standing in the doorway, supporting a fantastic black eye and a split lip. The skin around his eye is blue, black and purple. Tinged with yellow. Blood is stained on his chin. It's horrifying. You give him a questioning glance. He takes his seat and refuses to look at you or anyone else, staring at his desk. Nobody even glances at Karkat's broken face.  
"Dude, what broke your face?" You ask, leaning back in your seat. He flips you off. Bubbles of blood form on his lip, horribly red, and begin to drip down his face. He wipes them on the sleeve of his sweater like it's nothing. But he groans loudly when John asks him if he wants to go see a movie with him. Karkat Vantas is confusing as fuck. 

"Hey Karkles!" You follow him out into the corridor, grabbing him by his shoulder so he'll at least look at you. He snarls at you in disgust, his eyes filled with angry flames.  
"What the fuck do you want?" He demands.  
"Just to chill with my best bro in between classes." You say, nonchalantly.  
"Well, I'm going to take a piss. So, fuck off." Karkat glares at you and pushes his way into the nearest bathroom. You get the feeling he's trying to avoid you. You hesitate a moment before following him.  
"Hey, me too!" And that's not a complete lie. But you're not following because of that; you want to know what's up with Karkat. You don't know why, it's not like you care. You're just strangely intrigued about his weird behaviour. It's not weird. Is it?  
"Stop following me, you creepy fucker!" Karkat snaps, turning to glare at you.  
"Just tell me what happened." You push, following him to urinals. And then, stepping back abruptly, as he unzips his pants. Oh, maybe he wasn't just trying to avoid you.  
"Are you trying to look at my dick?" He gave you a look of disgust when he sees you're still standing there, "Equius was right; you are a faggot." You back up even further. You've fucked up.  
"Equius?" You say, quietly. He's that huge sweaty kid that you saw hurling slurs at Tavros as he wheeled past in the corridor the other day. Tavros had looked ready to cry. You wanted to slap him on the back and reassure him that none of what that tough guy had said was true. But you couldn't. It would ruin your cool facade.  
"Faggot." Karkat repeats in a dark tone, trying the word out in his mouth, "Get the fuck out of here." And you do. 

Your friends don't seem to pick up on your subdued attitude for the rest of the day. Well, Rose shoots you a strange look or two but the others seem totally oblivious. And you're glad about that. You decline their offers of food and trips to the park and kind smiles, opting to head home. The ugly black word is still painted outside your house.  
"Probably some folks just got upset about us strifing on the roof." Bro says, even though you both know it isn't true.  
"Yeah." You poke at your cheap noodles miserably.  
"Hey, after dinner, I got you another appointment. To get your testosterone." Bro punches your arm and you know this is his way of consoling you. You shrug.  
"Whatever. S'not a big deal." You can't help feeling like you've fucked up somewhere. But you don't know where.


	5. It's kind of my thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a terrible person for never uploading. I'm sorry. And this chapter is super short for which I'm also sorry. 
> 
> Chapter summary: Karkat is an asshole. To everyone.

Your name is Karkat Vantas and you are being a total fucking asshole to the few friends that you have. It started the other day, when you lashed out at Dave in the bathroom for little to no reason. Later, you'd snapped at Sollux and Eridan to stop bickering over the lengths of their dicks; Sollux had glared and Eridan had blushed, the pair of them embarrassed as everyone turned to look at them. Today, you'd insulted Terezi's work in art and signed insults at John when he'd asked you if you were upset. Now, it was the last period and you were sitting outside the principal's office while your dad was in there with him. Half way through French, Vriska had approached to find out "why you're acting like such an asshole, Karkat, god!". 

"I'm always acting like an asshole, it's kind of my thing." You had lifted your head off your desk to glare at her, "Just fuck off, why don't you?" Then, you laid your head back down and tried to get some rest.  
"No. You know what, no. For once, I'm not just going to fuck off. I want to know why you said those mean things to Terezi." You rolled your eyes.  
"So, this is about your dumb crush on Terezi?" You looked up just in time to receive a fist directly to the face. For a moment, you'd honestly thought you'd died. Everything went black for a minute and you couldn't see or hear or breath and you thought it was the end. Then, you opened your eyes and stood up, pushing your chair back with a screech.  
"The fuck was that for?" You glared at her.  
"I don't have a crush on Terezi!" She hissed, in disgust, "I hate her!"  
"Yeah, right." This time, your sarcasm earned you a hit to the chest and you yelped, stumbling backwards. The teacher, Miss Leijon, came over and tried to soothe the two of you and convince you to calm down. Before you could think about it, your fist collided with Vriska's cheek. There was a horrific crunch and her mouth began to drip with blood. The skin was scraped from your knuckles.  
"Alright, Karkat, Vriska, I think we should..." Miss Leijon was trying desperately to quieten you. Then, suddenly, Vriska tackled you to the ground and your back stung as you hit the floor. She was tugging on your hair and scratching at your skin.  
"A word of advice, Vantas: never insult Terezi Pyrope ever again or you'll have me to deal with!" Vriska hissed. You spat at her and kicked in effort to escape. Then, suddenly, she was torn off you. 

You found out once you were able to see straight that Equius- Equius Zahhak of all people- had pulled Vriska away from you and pinned her up against the wall until she calmed the fuck down. He was sweating heavily enough that it was soaking through his clothes and making visible wet patches on his shirt. Gross. But you're too busy wondering why he saved you. He hates you after all. He beats you up on a regular basis. So why? Why, why, why?

Now, the three of you were sitting outside the principal's office. You're on the left, Vriska is slumped in the seat beside you and Equius is sweating all over the seat on the right. The girl has a scowl on her face. You can't even read Equius's expression as he's turned just slightly away from you and you can't see past his curtain of dark hair. Not that you wanted to look at him anyway, God. What an asshole. He's the one that's been ruining your life for the last few days. Wait, make that the last few years. But it seems to be getting especially bad now. 

It all started the other day when he met you outside of school and instead of just using you as a punching bag and then leaving, he just asked you to follow him. And even though you demanded answers, he gave you nothing and stared blankly ahead. Which meant you were torn, you didn't know what to do. On one hand, following your local school bully out into what looked like the middle of nowhere was probably a bad idea but at the same time, ignoring your local bully could probably get you into more trouble. So you'd followed, silently debating until it was too late. He took you to a place that was full of ashes and crumbled walls- the remains of somebody's home you would guess. What was this place? 

"Here's the deal." Equius said, in his whisper of a voice, "I need to know where he lives."  
"Where who lives?" You received a fist to the face for your efforts.  
"Strider. Who else?" He said it as if it were obvious.  
"I don't know."  
"Do not lie to me unless you want to lose what remains of your fragile teeth."  
"But I don't fucking know."  
"Do not use that uncultured cuss in front of me!"  
"I DON'T KNOW." He grabbed you by the wrist and spun you around to hold it behind your back. And he'd pinned down, holding your arm there until you screamed in agony and you told him you'd take him there. Your arm still ached now and when you'd looked at it later in the evening, you'd realised that there were bruises in the shape of Equius's fingerprints. The bruises were big purple lumps but luckily, you could easily hide them under your sweater sleeve. 

And you'd lead him to Dave's house and thought you'd get your leave. You did not.  
"Here." He pushed ten dollars into your tightly clenched fist and instructed you to go and get some spray paint from the nearest store. You stared at him blankly.  
"I SAID GO!" He commanded, though you swore his voice was shaking. And you hurried off, holding back your tears and wondering how you could get out of this mess. You could just head home and not do as he asked. But that would probably spell much more trouble for you. So, you just did as he asked and got the paint before hurrying back. He was standing in the exact same place on the sidewalk, his arms firmly crossed and his face expressionless behind his broken glasses. He was sweating the same way that somebody might after a workout. You wondered if he had some kind of condition that caused him to sweat all the time. Or if he was just really hot. Oh god, you didn't mean it like that! You didn't think he was hot! Did you?

"What now?"  
"Paint it."  
"Paint what?"  
"It."  
"What's it?"  
"Faggot." 

Both of you- as two respectably heterosexual males- choked at the word. But you shook the can of paint and began to spray unsteadily. You'd never done this before but Equius was observing you as if he was watching an artist. You supposed he was.  
"I draw." You said before you could stop yourself.  
"I know." He replied.  
"You do?"  
"What do you draw?" I draw you, you think to yourself.  
"Just stupid stuff." He just sighed in response. And you continued spraying, until the filthy word was printed there in angry black lettering. You thought that would be it but he made you stay, making you throw rocks at Dave's window. Well, he didn't make you. But he suggested the idea and he'd probably break both your arms if you disagreed. By this point, quite the crowd of kids was beginning to gather and join in. You felt terrible. And when Dave peers out of his window at you, you know you can't say anything so you just try and communicate with your eyes that you feel terrible. You feel so, so, so bad about all of this. But what choice do you have? Equius excuses you shortly after. 

You may have been forced then but you certainly weren't forced to be cruel to your other friends. That was your own stupid, stupid, stupid choice. And now you were sitting outside the principal's office with Vriska Serket and Equius Zahhak for getting into a physical fight. This wasn't you though, you wouldn't do something like this. So, why did you brain keep telling you do this shit? Your dad leaves the office and gives you a look.  
"Come on, Karkat. We are going to have a very long talk about your behaviour." That meant a lecture from your dad. He would never yell at you during these lectures but instead tell you how disappointed he was and talk about what you could do to fix your problems- it normally reverted back to praying. And you sigh and get to your feet. On the way out, Vriska tries to trip you and Equius offers you what you think might be a sympathetic look. And then you blink and he's staring down at his lap again, hair blocking your view. His beautiful, soft hair-- 

The next day, you find your sketchbook in tatters by the foot of your locker. And you want to cry your eyes out but you know that he's watching you, judging you. So, instead, you yell at Feferi Peixes because she's the closest available person. And you clench your fists and frown down at yourself as she runs into the girls bathroom in tears.


	6. Have you ever considered you might be-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's some homophobia here on Equius's part. I don't encourage homophobia nor do I share any of his opinions. Also, Equius is kind of a dick to everyone, which I'm sorry about. It's all for the story. I didn't proofread this. It's also short.
> 
> Chapter summary: Equius sees his brother in a new light. Rufioh tries to help Equius out by talking with him. It doesn't go down well.

Your name is Equius Zahhak and you have spent the last few hours staring blankly at the kitchen wall as your dad rambles on about respect and about treating others correctly. He uses the phrase "act like a man" and variations of it, a stunning nine times. And each time, you just want to bury your face in your hands and cry heavily until this all goes away. But you can't because real men don't cry and what would your dad think of you if you did? He would be ashamed of you. You would be the entire family's disappointment and spend the rest of your life in shame. Instead, you grit your teeth and focus on staring at the kitchen wall as if it's going to offer up a solution. To your disappointment, it doesn't. But after a while, your dad excuses you and you head to your room. 

Any other day, you might hurl one of your weights at the wall and the watch the plaster break and crumbles away to reveal the wall. And then, you would furiously fix the wall up again and paint it until it was no different from the rest of the wall. Or you would head to your desk and work on your secret project, trying to work out whether you would fill your robot with motor oil or blood. Today is different, today you head over and sit down on your bed. And you bring your hands up to your face and almost scream tin frustration as tears threaten to fall from your eyes. Please, please, please. Please, no. As you sit there, it occurs to you that you're going to have to do something quickly before this entire situation gets out of hand. Because you shouldn't feel flustered every time you see Karkat hurrying down a corridor to get to math. And your heart shouldn't throb every time you saw him heading into town, on Mondays and Wednesdays respectably. And you shouldn't have to bite back apologies every time you slammed him up against a locker. This wasn't normal. None of this was normal and none of it was manly. 

You're so caught up in your own thoughts that you jump at the sound of a loud thump from your brother's room. You wonder if he's broken something again- it seems to be a genetic trait in your family- and decide that it can't hurt to check. God, any distraction right now would be good. So, you get up and shut the door to your room firmly behind you because god forbid anyone saw your blueprints.  
"Horuss?" You call quietly, heading down the hallway to his room. You hear a muffled mix of "fuck"s and "fiddlesticks". You're pretty sure that your brother would never use language like that. So, you push open the door and see a sight that shocks you right to the core. You know how the people on the Titanic felt when they fell into the freezing cold water and died instantly. That's how you feel right now. 

The sight you have been confronted with is as follows (and you feel the need to mentally to note it down because you can scarcely believe that it's happening): your elder brother is sitting on his bed with Rufioh Nitram, who you recognise as being the brother of the cripple, both of them are more than half naked, their lips are pressed firmly together. Both of them look panicked about you discovering them tangled together, their lips sucking and biting at each other needily. Rufioh is straddling Horuss and you wonder if they're rubbing together through the thin material of their boxers. The thought makes you flush and sweat drips steadily off your body as you struggle to tear your eyes away. You mumble an apology and shut the door, slumping down against it. Your brother- he's, he's one of them. There's a few more cusses and a few giggles from behind the doors, accompanied by moans and slurping noises that you wish you hadn't heard. It pauses and the door opens, slamming directly into you. 

"Hello Equius!" Your brother says brightly, as if nothing has even happened. You don't say anything, you don't even look at him. Was this what your brother has been doing while you were lectured about acting like a man? You snort dismissively.  
"We weren't expecting you to walk in on us, hun." Rufioh says and your scowl deepens. You glance up and see that he's smiling at you, that idiot. And he's tugging his pants back on as he talks, his face slightly flushed but not enough to hide his sheepish grin.  
"Equius?" Your brother's hand comes to rest on your shoulder and you wince, not only at his amazing strength but because one of them is touching you. A homosexual. Disgusting.  
"Should we call an ambulance?" Rufioh says. There's concern in your voice. And you hate it even more than you hate them. Because Rufioh and Horuss aren't like the people you know, you can't just punch them in the face and expect you to leave you alone. For one thing, they're older. For another, Horuss could probably take you out with one blow if you wanted to. And looking at the worried look on Rufioh's face, you know you can't even get mad at them. Your shoulders slump and you turn away from them, staring at the ground.  
"Equius, buddy, you need some help?" Before you can even register it, they've each got one of your arms and are helping you to your feet. You can't bear to look at them as they help you back to your room. Finally, as you regain the power of speech, you choke out a few words:

"Don't look at my blueprints." You manage. Rufioh blinks in surprise before nodding.  
"Sure thing, Eq." That's as close as he's got to using your real name so far and they set you down on the bed, having to force you to sit as your body has frozen.  
"Do you want me to get Father?" Horuss asks, letting go of you and drawing back. You shake your head furiously, your hair falling in your face. Your neck feels stiff.  
"Do you want to talk about it, doll?" Rufioh is yet to let go of you, his hand resting on your arm. You can't even bring yourself to glare at him. You're too exhausted, too tired of all of this.  
"I..." Did you? A part of you does? A small part of you wants to ask how long this has been going on and if your father knows and if he does, what he thinks about it. You want to know how long they've known they were... Cough, gay, and why Horuss never told you. The words that escaped your mouth instead surprise you:  
"If you aren't interested in girls, why did you date Aradia's cousin?" Your question is directed at Rufioh, who doesn't seem surprised or offended about you asking. You wonder why not. You also wonder why you said Aradia's cousin, when you know perfectly well that her name is Damara. 

"Because I am interested in girls!" Rufioh chuckles, patting your arm before finally drawing back, "I'm bisexual." That only raises a million more questions in your head.  
"What does that mean?"  
"It means I like hot chicks and hot dudes."  
"Don't objectify people like that." 

You are quiet for a while longer. In fact, it's such a long time that Rufioh takes Horuss aside to talk to him in whispered tones. Not that matters because you couldn't bare to listen to their conversations anyway. You wince as they kiss lightly because it's just so wrong. One man putting his lips to another. It's not normal. Then, Horuss gingerly sits beside you and puts an arm around your shoulder.  
"Equius, have you ever considered that you might be-" He doesn't get any further than that because you wriggle free of his disgusting grip and slam your fist into his chest. He doesn't even wince but you do.  
"I like Aradia Megido." You insist and your brother wisely decides not to push you any further than that. He just nods and that's the end of that conversation as he stands up and loops his arm around Rufioh instead.  
"You know, you can always come to talk to us." The Nitram boy says, "I know your dad is very-"  
"My father just knows what it means to be a man." You push them out of your room and slam the door in their sad faces. You hear more mumbled voices outside of your door and laughter as they move away. How can they be happy knowing that what they're doing is so wrong? 

The next day, you make your way into school early. You don't even feel angry this time, you just feel empty and drained. You feel exhausted from the emotional mess that is your mind right now and you don't even feel satisfied as you break your way into Karkat Vantas's locker by picking the lock. And you take out the sketchbook you've seen him carrying around so often and without hesitating, you tear it to shreds. The shards of paper drift to the floor and there's no rush of excitement like there usually is. There's only emptiness. Emptiness and sadness. Your head hurts.


End file.
